Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’m Sold!
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.