unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My dog learned how to text
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM