Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
You Might Also Like
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Message from the dog groomers
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.