[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Extremely relatable.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.