every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
You Might Also Like
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
no one likes gloating
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?