[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.