ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
my friends when i can’t do basic math
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.