My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You Might Also Like
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.