Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You Might Also Like
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank