[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.