I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My sex drive has a dui
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.