I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
So we got a goldfish…
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too