This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Not😆🤣
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together