*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
that lip filler tho
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Quadruple digit IQ
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.