I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”