Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying