So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on