[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
me as a parent
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
…żyje?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…