If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
A new level of troll.