therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THEREβSβ MORE.
Worst bar ever.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because theyβre lo mein tenants.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I am yelling
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
Iβm just gonna lay on the flooring.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.