My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.