I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.