I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave