Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther