who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Well well well…
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one