Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Happy Friday
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.