Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.