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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
CUTE CAT‼︎