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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Squirrels before girls.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!