Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.