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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?