local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes