Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I can’t wait!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!