Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
You Might Also Like
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.