If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it