Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok