Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now