Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
birds and squirrels envy us
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?