My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
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“Oh god wait.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.