A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
You Might Also Like
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
We all have our pet causes.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Just a bush.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?