20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*weighs self after shaving
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture