Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?