Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
What’s a Messi?
Its true…
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
This meeting could have been a cake
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.