Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.