Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia