wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.