Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️