When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Feels
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
that wasn’t the question
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?