I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.