This took me a second..
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Lassie, get help!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”